...I keep track. My brain and my heart still cannot help it. Nine years since my world changed forever. Nine years since caught in a collapse that I had seen coming at the time, but denied, and with all my heart and body tried to hold back.
It was a moment that would change my life forever -- and these are not just words I type. If what happened today nine years ago did not happen: my life would be drastically different now.
I did it wrong. I know that now.
What you say -- does matter.
And I wonder even if I did it different if it would have made a difference somehow. Or if, by the time this day came to pass nine years ago, it was far too late to stop it.
I was younger. I was naive. But I still believe in the things I believed in back then. The things I believed in were not the problem. And I have difficulty feeling those things now. But I am stronger now too. And will not give up on me. I will not. I will not give up on being happy.
It is vague for you all and I am sorry. But this is a marker for me. Getting it in physical lasting form that says I am still here. I survived. Its been nine years.
I read somewhere recently, actually on the blog of Angie Smith, something she wrote in a blog post:
The roots go deeper than you think
You only see part of the page
You are still a young tree
Effectively, that is what the words she wrote said.
They stunned me in that moment. I needed to hear them. To see them and read them. They go up there to me with the 'No Truer Words' Catagory. And this year... this year I needed to hear them. And already I've been reflecting on them alot.
Would I change what happened then if I could?
I don't know.
I have learned so much through it. Became a different person through it. Met many other people because of it. But I just don't know if I would change it. Because I sometimes miss parts of the person I was then.
I survived. I look back on it now and read the notebooks I kept back then, now.. and my heart just breaks for the girl whom I was when I wrote that at the time. I remember her so vividly. And all her pain. It is raw and real there in those pages.
But she survived. She didn't think she would. Never doubt the power of prayer, family, and friends.
I don't really think everyone leaves an age behind them as the next birthday hits them.
Somewhere inside me, there is still a 15 year old that hurts and feels with 15 year old feelings. There is still a 22 year old. There is still a 27 year old... and so on.
And each of them make us who and what we are now. That's what I think anyway. Who would have imagined then that I would come this far?
God bless, everyone. Goodnight.