It is up to each of us to listen, to act, to do something. We can make choices we like easily, good choices and bad ones. It is harder to make choices that are frightening with ends that are unknown. But that is what faith is, you have to believe first before you see -- this is something that has taken and is still taking me a very hard and long time to learn to accept.
But you do see in the end - and what you see is more amazing than you could ever lay out or imagine on your human own. You fight, you resist, you ignore, you pretend the message is for someone else and not you, you pass it by, you come up with excuses, you put things off to the end, you lie... but in the end when you run out of options -- you cave. You give in. You say ok God --- and then you seriously start to pray.
You dream of standing in a star field with a black and very tattered and taped up trash bag full of everything that you think is important to you, taped and tattered at the cost of hauling it around and trying to keep it all together. And Jesus is there just feet away waiting for you to give it to him. With tears rolling down your face you start to do so... but at the last minute pull it back from him for fear of letting go.
You still feel sick. You still don't want to do this. You still don't believe all the way. You still miss what you had and are 'secretly' thinking of ways to go back. But in the end again - you cave, and say -- Ok God. You try and give the trash bag over again but you can't quite do it. You pray again.
You spend days in tears of not understanding why it can't be the way you want it to be, why does everyone else get what they want? Why do you have to give up everything your happiness and comfort, your all for someone else's sake?
You rage for days with this question, weeks, months... again and again. Then one dark and rainy night at three in the morning you are staring out a window. The night and the storm has made your heart quiet and still enough so you can finally hear the answer that has been being repeated again and again in all the noise you've been making: Jesus gave up everything he had too. He gave his life for you - not for himself. He gave up absolutely everything.
It shocks you to the core. Especially when you remember you are supposed to try and be like Jesus. Give and give and keep on giving - because you love. Even if you do not get anything immediately back in return, even if it hurts. You are supposed to pick up that cross and be like Jesus.
So you pray again. The whole time he is just standing there waiting for you to trust him, to give him that trash bag you carry of everything precious to you. Just waiting reassuring you it will be alright. He could turn it into something beautiful. And this time you do it. You had that trash bag over. With shaking hands and tears pouring down your face you step back and whisper "Ok God, I will stop fighting and trust you. I will do what you want of me, just show me."
And he does. Slowly at first, one step at a time, one breath at a time, your heart changes, your world starts to crack open and you start to see bits and pieces of a plan that had that has been made since before the dawn of time. Looking back on your life to this point you can see where the pieces had fallen into place and you didn't even know it then. You see the tiny bits of light that shine through are so bright and brilliant that you dare to hope -- and at last it comes spiraling open until you are on top of a flowered hillside looking up into a beautiful sky, remembering what you had and fought for and wanted for so long was not nearly as nice as this is -- and this is what you were fighting against being given. It is more beautiful than you ever could have imagined:
This could apply in many more ways than just adoption. It might apply in every heart felt-battle you might have in your life.
Some people may just have to look harder to find that hillside and they may have to do it more than once. For me, it wasn't related to the idea of adoption either at first. But in this moment I felt I did need to write it here for that relation.
I saw this quote on another blog. It was so strong inside me that I had to share it again:
"What if there are children in the world who will suffer somehow because I failed to obey God? What if my cowardice costs even one child somewhere in the world his or her life?"
-- Richard Stearns.
What about Bella in the post below this one? And what about the others? What about the ones we might never know? Pray, post about them, have faith and believe. Bring one home if you can. Really sit back and ask yourself -- can you? If not can you pass word on about them? That is important to because together we can reach someone whom can.
This has been posted time and again on the internet, even one other time by me here on this blog - but I will post it again:
My friends, your thoughts and actions are always your own. You know your own roads and I cannot and will not even begin to try to imagine them. It's just that after years of trying to take the trash bag back, I felt the need to share mine as encouragement to someone out there. So many of you have encouraged me that I also wanted to say thank you. Until next time, in peace and have a good night.
"A child's hand in yours -- what tenderness and power it arouses. You are instantly the very touchstone of wisdom and strength."